Should I feel guilty about putting us in debt to improve my sexual health?

What is my sexual health worth?

An open discussion and a personal debate over physical and mental health vs relationship and monetary costs.

What is wrong?

I’m going to be very open here. I am a woman in my mid 50s going through menopause, who has pelvic organ prolapse. This refers to the bulging or herniation of one or more pelvic organs into the vagina. (International Urogynecologist Association, IUGA) For me I have a triple whammy.  

My vaginal vault has collapsed (more on that later), and both my bladder and bowel have bulged into my vagina vault. Not so pretty. Not only that. I also have a very overactive bladder that has not been fully eased by medicines, by Percutaneous Tibial Nerve Stimulation (PTNS), by pelvis floor physiotherapy, or by bladder/brain training (though all these methods have slightly helped). This means that my bladder tells my brain that it is full, even though it isn’t, and I need to urinate immediately or there are embarrassing consequences. This can happen to me up to 16 times a day.

Though there is no physical pain, just discomfort and potential embarrassment, there is relationship pain and mental trauma.

 

History.

During my menstruation years, I suffered from extremely heavy periods with severe abdominal pain. I have had two children of normal weight by vaginal delivery. My first child had to be delivered by forceps as the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. My second child was a normal delivery.

After giving birth, I didn’t get any relief from monthly bleeding or pain, and I developed incontinence, which is normal for 1 in 3 women after giving birth (Pregnancy, Birth and Baby.org.au).

To help with the heavy bleeding and pain, I had an Endometrial Ablation. Which is a procedure to remove a thin layer of tissue (endometrium) that lines the uterus. It is done to stop or reduce heavy menstrual bleeding. (John Hopkins Medicine)

Unfortunately, it did not relieve the bleeding or pain. The next step was a partial hysterectomy and bladder repair, as it has prolapsed.

This was a success for years until the overactive bladder symptoms returned and my prolapse had formed again. After consulting with my specialist, it was discovered that during the last surgery my vaginal vault had not been attached to the sacrospinous ligament to hold it in place (normal procedure for that time), so over time it had collapsed, causing the prolapses.

There were also contributing environmental factors. My first child’s forceps delivery and I was in a very physical occupation for over 30 years that required constant heavy lifting. I was on my feet in air conditioning and in refrigerated climates for hours each day during those years. After which I moved into another physical job for three years.

 

How it affects my sexual relationship with my husband and my sexual health.

As I have mentioned, I do not have any physical pain. I have used medication to help relieve the normal menopause symptoms and my sex drive is what my husband and I consider being above average. But there is some discomfort and also the mental trauma of knowing that there are prolapses that interfere with intercourse.

Sex just does not feel the same for him or me.

Is this a problem? Physically, a small amount. Nothing that we as a couple cannot work around, but mentally yes.

The Australian Medical Association (AMA) says that sexual health refers to a state of physical, emotional, mental and social wellbeing related to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction, or infirmity.

For me, it is more of an emotional and mental concern. I want sex with my husband to be as wonderful as it was, or as near as we can make it. Having these physical and mental conditions has lowered my sex drive and has affected our sexual relationship.

 

How to fix the physical and the mental.

To get everything back into place means more surgery. A series of procedures to hitch and attach everything back into place. Too much to go into.

This probably won’t solve the overactive bladder, so after recovery, we will reassess what the bladder is doing and utilise a series of methods to combat any symptoms, including, but not limited to, PTNS and Botox injections into the bladder.

This will help fix the physical, but what about the mental?

These physical problems that I have are not life-threatening. Our marriage is secure enough that our physical sexual relationship can evolve to satisfy both of us. But because of prolapses, I feel…unattractive, not the sexual being that I once was, and inadequate that I cannot satisfy myself or my husband the way I used to.

Is that being stupid?

Yes, probably. But that’s how I feel.

Then there is the other concern.

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The debate.

Don’t get me wrong, my husband is all for the surgery to help me physically and mentally with my prolapses and bladder, and the cost of the surgery is not a concern for him. He will support me with my decision.

But my subconscious is pulling me in another direction. Even with private health, the surgery is going to cost a lot of money. Then there is the recovery time. I have worked all my life at physical jobs and after surgery, heavy physical work will not be an option for me. I have prepared for this and studied to change occupations into more of a sedentary occupation, but it could take months for steady work to come in. Our financial health is now at risk and we will have to go into debt.

Do I have this non-life-threatening problem fixed by surgery, and have us go into debt, or do I not have the surgery and live with the physical problems and mental concerns?

This is my quandary.

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Cost vs Reward

Just to make it clear. We have just become debt free. We have paid off the house, car and credit cards. After years of scrimping, saving and hard work, we finally don’t owe a thing and now we are looking to go back into debt to pay for this surgery.

Is it worth it? The monetary cost of non-life-threatening surgery, recovery and future income vs fixing up real physical problems and mentally challenging concerns.

It boils down to:

Monetary cost vs my sexual health.

What would you do?

What decision would you make?

I feel guilty putting us into debt to fix my physical and mental sexual health.

That’s the bottom line, the guilt.

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Decision time

I made the only decision that I could, the right decision for us and our relationship.

I’m booked into surgery this month. We are as prepared as we can be physically, mentally, and financially.

I just have to live with my decision and overcome the guilt that I will feel every time I pay down the debt.

I believe that my sexual health is worth it.